Fandom: Eddie Izzard - Standup Routines
Characters: Mrs Badcrumble and her husband, Mr Badcrumble
Summary: During the 1418 war, Mrs Badcrumble invents orgasms, to the tune of Snug as a Bug in a Rug. On a hang glider.
Notes: 340 word yuletide treat written for northern_star. Based on this Izzard routine.
Orgasms weren’t invented in 1418, but bombs were.
There was a war on, and the enemy were blowing things up all over London. You couldn’t walk anywhere without the ground exploding or glass shattering, so Mr Badcrumble, who was clever in some ways but not in others, decided that he and his wife would hang glide everywhere.
It worked, if the fact that they didn’t get blown up meant that it worked. There were some problems inherent in hang gliding everywhere, like finding somewhere to take off from, and the fact that they eventually had to land somewhere. But they didn’t die, so we shall call it a success.
Did you know, though, that hang gliding is kind of boring? After the twentieth time in one day, anyway. Explosions are only fun to watch for so long, and eventually Mr and Mrs Badcrumble were thoroughly tired of it, so they needed something to distract them from the boredom of descent.
One day, they found it.
It’s kind of warm in that little bag, you understand, and they were very close together. And on this particular day, one of Mrs Badcrumble’s clarinet students was practicing his instrument in his bedroom, and as the hang glider slowly drifted, the music spilled out the open window and into the air, and Mrs Badcrumble recognised the tune. It was ‘Snug as a Bug in a Rug’.
“Ooh,” Mrs Badcrumble murmured, wriggling about, “Just like us.”
“Mm, yes,” Mr Badcrumble murmured, and then he was kissing her neck.
“Ooh,” giggled Mrs Badcrumble, “Reginald.”
“This song makes me hot,” he whispered.
“Mm, me too.”
So there was rustling, and the sound of a zipper, and then Mrs Badcrumble gave a squeak, and the hang glider jerked.
“Ooh, Reginald,” whispered Mrs Badcrumble, “Ooh. Do your Sean Connery voice. Oh. Oh! OH!”
And so it was that right there, hang gliding over London during the 1418 war, Mrs Ethel Badcrumble invented orgasms (and not just single orgasms, either).
It was quite a satisfactory day for all involved.